it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
