you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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