i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
