I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize