Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
