You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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