I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
