Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
