Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
