ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
