How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
this hospital has no fireball
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize