turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
