I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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