Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
