she looked like the before picture.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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