So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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