Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize