12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
