He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
