Can Purell be used as lube?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
