I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
