I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
