Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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