I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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