oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
