Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
