I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
