Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
