someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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