I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
