I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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