Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
