i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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