I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
