Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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