I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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