In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
And my parents said I crawled through the house
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
