I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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