I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
