I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
