you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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