Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
