Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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