I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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