I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
