What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
