I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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