My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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