You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
