I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
