why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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