I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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