we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
