Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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