It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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