My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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