if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
