I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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