I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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