you have to choose: penises or morals?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
