I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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