he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize